Putting the cool back into Sunday School

Tim's Top Ten Lists

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Top Ten Reasons to Sit in the Front During Church

10. Statistics show that the front of the church building is the safest in the event of natural disaster. 
9. You can see if anything's caught between the preacher's teeth. Then watch him as you smile and point. 
8.  There's still a lot of padding in the seats since they're almost like new. 
7. You only have to comb the back of your hair and iron the back of your shirt/blouse. 
6.   It's easier to trip the Ushers and Deacons. 
5.  No one will hear your stomach make all those "alien" noises. 
4.  You're the Treasurer and want to keep your eye on the collection. 
3. You want to justify that feeling you've always had that everyone's looking at you. 
2. You're mad at everyone in the church and want to make sure no one sits beside you. 
1. You love the pastor’s cologne and want to inhale it throughout the sermon!

10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
9. Runs a series of attack ads against President Clinton’s next bid for re-election
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island.
6. Got his degree in Political Economics from Ed’s Internet University.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with, "You wanna arm wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

10. Naughty e-mails from some guy named "Fluffy."
9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8. You begin receiving pallets of fresh fish at your door.
7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it.... And a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers about their release of "CyberDog."
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. Cat stays up all night checking its e-mail.
2. On AOL Instant Messenger you're known as the IronMouser.
1. Little Kitty carpal-tunnel braces found near the scratching post

10.   Great for indivually wrapping communion cups for frequent church moves.
9.   Serve as emergency water filtering kit for mission trips to Bermuda.
8.   Great for stifling unruly elders at session meetings - just stuff several in their mouths.
7.   Great prop for your lead role in the church musical, "Job."
6.   Serve as emergency airbags on ill-equipped church bus.
5.   Good item to wear to the door when those Jehovah's Witnesses come looking for donations.
4.   Always good for keeping toddlers contained in the nursery.
3.   Sew several of them together for great sofa covers for the youth room
2.  Wonderful for taking up offerings in ill-poverished churches.
1.   Serve as great clothing for pastors kids at PCA churches in San Antonio.

10. The pastor and his spouse outnumber the congregation. 
9. The total church budget is in the single digits. 
8. A covered dish luncheon is a warmed up can of Campbell's Soup and a sleeve of Saltine Crackers. 
7. The preacher only has a one-point sermon. 
6. You have a crowd when someone's family comes in for a reunion. 
5. You only have one committee. 
4. You think your church is technologically advanced when they purchase a new ceiling fan. 
3. The church secretary uses the same bulletin week after week by whiting out and changing the date. 
2. You can cancel church with a single phone call.
1. The church bus is a motorcycle and side car.
 
 

 10.   Can never say, “When I was a kid. . .”
 9.   Can’t go to the mall with her girlfriends
 8.   Adam never takes her anywhere
 7.   Adam’s stupid jokes about “if you were the only woman on earth”
 6.   She had girl names picked out, but got all boys
 5.   There’s nothing good on television
 4.   She never has a thing to wear
 3.   Adam leaves the lid up
 2.   Can’t keep up with the Joneses because there aren’t any
 1.   When Adam calls her his little “riblet”
 
 

 10.   One. Jenn One.
 9.   Hennifer Jeath.
 8.   Not that Jenn, the other one.
 7.   Heathifer Jenn.
6.   Jeathifer Henf.
 5.   Stefan Henf
 4.   Gentle for Heath
 3.   Jenn – that’s the Hunter version
 2.   Henny Jeath
 1.   The Queen of Bible Trivia
 
 

10.  Number 10 isn't funny.
9.  You see it on sale at the flea market.
8.  Three of the jokes are exactly the same.
7.  Three of the jokes are exactly the same.
6.  I'ts called the Top Ten Signs your Top Ten List is No Good
5.  Three of the jokes are exactly the same.
4.  Class pays even less attention than usual.
3.  Pastor Rod says he likes it.
2.  You use the words, "Giant flying rats" just to get a cheap laugh.
1.  Three words:  bad counting.

10.  Slushee machine in the kitchen
 9.   Bungee jumping pad on the roof
 8.   Separate youth suite with game room
 7.   Landing pad for helicopter on the roof
 6.   Trap door under the pulpit (for bad pastors)
 5.   Secret gym in the basement
 4.   No more ugly green walls and chairs in the sanctuary
 3.   Walls that will hold posters because they are not made of cement
 2.   Jacuzzi in the youth music library
 1.   Air conditioning that is both silent and cool
 
 

 10.  Couldn’t ride in van.  Would have to use flatbed trailer.
 9.  When he’d sit around the house, he’d sit around the house.
 8.  New school clothes would become new school tent.
 7.  Would have to sleep in the carport.  Couldn’t get through the door.
 6.  Couldn’t climb trees – they’d bend and break.
 5.  Wouldn’t become a doctor – would become a pro wrestler.
 4.  Would now really be able to join the power team.
 3.  Would have to shower in a truck wash at the truck stop.
 2.  Would change name to Halfton Mulder.
 1.  Would have to take 40 lbs of ritalin instead of 5 mg.

10. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
9.   Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
8.   When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
7.   As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6.   Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. 
5. If you find a deserted town, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and explore.
4. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice.
3. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, and combines.
2. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. 
1. Don’t be stupid.  When investigating a noise in the basement, carry a flashlight, not a candle.

10. Cook 60 servings of Minute Rice
9.   Make compilation tape of Dan Rather saying the word "subpoena"
8.   See how hard you can punch yourself in the stomach before you puke
7.   Do a really, really, half-baked job training for the New York City Marathon
6.   Re-tie Peyton’s shoes. Re-tie Peyton’s shoes. Re-tie Peyton’s shoes.
5.   Squeeze out and set aside dabs of toothpaste for coming months
4.   Make an extra $2,000,000 (Bill Gates only)
3.   Try to reassemble pencil sharpener shavings back into whole pencils
2.   Train your parrot to say, "Oprah has all the money"
1.   Watch Chicago Cubs season highlight tapes from last 60 years

10.  Exodus 16:36 (just a great verse to quote)
9.   Job 2:9 b (when they take God's name in vain)
8.   Exodus 21:17 (when you are mad at your folks)
7.   Galatians 6:11 (when they say you never communicate)
6.   Ephesians 6:4 (when your father exasperates you)
5.   Matthew 23:24 (i have no clue)
4.   Romans 12:3 (when you feel inferior)
3.   Exodus 4:13 (when asked to do chores)
2.   Psalm 11:25 (when discussing allowance)
1.   Proverbs 17:6 (when you really need to kiss up to your folks)

10.  Must have the nickname "stumpy."
9.   Must start every sermon by saying, "Wasssssuuuuuupppp?"
8.   Can not be from New Joisey and love his cheeseburger.
7.   Must promise to donate his big-screen tv to the youth room.
6.   Can not ever have sung "Kum Ba Yah" in church.
5.   Must love tuna and apricot on bagel sandwiches.
4.   Must greet all women in the church by saying, "Yo! Yo! Yo! Girlfriend!"
3.   Must look like the lead singer from the Newsboys.
2.   Can not be from Arkansas and use excuses about not inhaling.
1.   Must own a jetboat, vacation home in Mazatlan, and a BBQ grill, all of which will be loaned frequently to the youth group.

10.  Minute Rice is just waaaayyyy to slow.
9.   On the way to work, you shave, eat breakfast, and get dressed.
8.   You have more caffeine before 6 a.m. than most people do, ever.
7.   You find that removing your car's brakes gets you places much faster.
6.   You've switched from decaf to tobasco sauce.
5.   You hire people to bathe for you.
4.   Your spouse takes care of the children while you are vaguely aware that there are some short people hanging around your house.
3.   You find that Cliff notes are too wordy.
2.   Hard Copy is doing a story on you entitled, "Stupid idiots that won't take a break and the women who love them.
1.   You are no longer bothered by the third degree burns to your mouth when you eat your food directly from the oven.

10.  His long-lost sense of humor.
9.   38 Matchbox cars
8.   The Mailbox
7.   27 old newspapers
6.   His son's bicycle, missing since last June
5.   87 empty diet coke cans
4.   Fluffy, the missing cat
3.   The tree house
2.   The Bar-B-Cue grill
1.   Grass (under the weeds)

10. Having people ask,"If you're so smart, why haven't you been on Jeapordy?
9.  Being asked the names of all his wives and children.
8.  Finding Christmas cards big enough for the names of his enitre family.
7.  Remembering all those anniversaries.
6.  Being a tourist attraction (I Kings 4:34)
5.  Signing the Christmas cards from #8.
4.  Not being able to find the tune to Song of Solomon.
3.  People always asking about his dysfunctional family.
2.  Having to wait in line to use the palace bathroom.
1.  All those mother-in-laws.

10. Someone asks, "What died in here?" and you show them
9.  Dust on TV screen gives everybody comical Andy Rooney eyebrows
8.  When you win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, Ed McMahon refuses to get out of the van
7.  The so-called "Dust Bunnies" have sharp, snapping teeth
6.  Your room gets hit by a twister and it actually looks better
5.  Friends take a look at your bathroom and decide to use the backyard
4.  Your laundry is separated into three piles of dirty, dirty, and dirty.
3.  Every time you lay down in bed, you hear a muffled barking sound
2.  Even Dexter, your pet rat, refuses to sleep on the floor
1.  You've been receiving death threats from Mr.Clean

10. On the way to church, you realize you have 2 different colored socks on.
9.  The PA system starts picking up a cellular phone call.
8.  You pound on the pulpit and it breaks.
7.  You realize that you grabbed your grocery list instead of sermon notes.
6.  The congregation answers your rhetorical questions aloud with the wrong answers.
5.  That normally hyperactive kid in the 3rd row has already fallen asleep.
4.  When you step out from the pulpit, you realize your fly is open.
3.  Your guest missionary uses your text and main points in his testimony.
2.  Your sermon is entitled, “the Top Ten Good Things About Sin.”
1.  That really dysfunctional family from your last church thousands of miles away that you planned on using for an illustration is visiting today.